Golf Balls

Golf Balls …

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked…

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Horse Joke

Horse goes into a bar — bartender says, “why the long face?”

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,  “Say Father,
what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be  damned, ” Then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.”

Gotta love those Rednecks!

Gotta love those Rednecks! REDNECK YARD SWING “““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““` Redneck Cooler ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead’. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Cellar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Garden ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Limo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Mailbox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who invented the toothbrush ? A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D. ?’. and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Time Out ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Weenie Roast ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new Redneck law was just recently passed . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Wheelchair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that the Redneck governor’s mansion burned down ? ‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

California License Plate

Recently, a Beverly Hills attorney submitted a request to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a Personalized License Plate.  His request was rejected.  The reason for the objection was that the letters requested were obscene.  The attorney removed one space from the letters and resubmitted the request.  This time it was approved.  This is the approved version of the license plate.

Breaking News – Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

Breaking News – Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

And we all know who gave it to him…

LEROY

Leroy and L’Quiesha go to the San Leon Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says,”I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t till next Wednesday.”

An Important Message About Growing Old

An Important Message About Growing Old * * * Sh** Now I Forgot What I was going to tell you

AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED :

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started……
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the tv?” I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds. I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’  It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’ And that’s when the fight started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that’s when the fight started……
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started…
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,’ and
she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too’
And that’s how the fight got started….. .
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ The waiter said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight got started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight got started…..

Mahatma Gandhi Joke

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . .

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. A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.