Golf Balls

Golf Balls …

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked…

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Gotta love those Rednecks!

Gotta love those Rednecks! REDNECK YARD SWING “““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““` Redneck Cooler ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead’. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Cellar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Garden ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Limo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Mailbox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who invented the toothbrush ? A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D. ?’. and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Time Out ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Weenie Roast ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new Redneck law was just recently passed . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Wheelchair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that the Redneck governor’s mansion burned down ? ‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

California License Plate

Recently, a Beverly Hills attorney submitted a request to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a Personalized License Plate.  His request was rejected.  The reason for the objection was that the letters requested were obscene.  The attorney removed one space from the letters and resubmitted the request.  This time it was approved.  This is the approved version of the license plate.

An Important Message About Growing Old

An Important Message About Growing Old * * * Sh** Now I Forgot What I was going to tell you

Test: Which One Is The Blonde ?

Okay………here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.

Which one do you think is the blonde?

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Amazing I did not

See it before..

The Blonde is the one

With the wrong leg up.

That’s OK, I did not

Pass the test EITHER!!!!!

Mahatma Gandhi Joke

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . .

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.
. A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge hammer and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign ‘Don’t Miss The Amazing Scotsman’. He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his hammer. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

“You’re incredible!” he told the Scotsman. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts”?

“Well laddie,” said the Scot, “Ma eyes arenae whit they used tae be.”

Amazing Chalk Drawing Illusions

The Flasher

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

The future of nursery rhyme

It’s Raining, It’s Pouring
Oh sh!t, it’s Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can’t keep his heart rate down
And she’s got diabetes.

.
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its @rse
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it’s black and crispy.