California License Plate

Recently, a Beverly Hills attorney submitted a request to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a Personalized License Plate.  His request was rejected.  The reason for the objection was that the letters requested were obscene.  The attorney removed one space from the letters and resubmitted the request.  This time it was approved.  This is the approved version of the license plate.

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. ‘Ma’am,

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I’m awfully cold.’


‘I have a better idea,’ she replied. ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied ………….. ‘Get your own f***ing blanket.’


After a moment of silence, ……………………he f*rted.

. . . . . The End

Breaking News – Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

Breaking News – Celebrity Swine Flu Fatality

And we all know who gave it to him…

LEROY

Leroy and L’Quiesha go to the San Leon Primitive Baptist Church revival and listen to the preacher.

After a while the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Leroy gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”

Leroy replies: “Preacher, I needs you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy’s ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy’s head and prays and prays and prays. He prays a blue streak for Leroy. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”

Leroy says,”I don’t know, Reverend, it ain’t till next Wednesday.”

Failures

An Important Message About Growing Old

An Important Message About Growing Old * * * Sh** Now I Forgot What I was going to tell you

AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

AND THAT’S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED :

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started……
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife walked into the den & asked “Whats on the tv?” I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds. I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’  It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’ And that’s when the fight started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that’s when the fight started……
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table. My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’ ‘My God!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started…
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,’ and
she processed my Social Security application.. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too’
And that’s how the fight got started….. .
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’ The waiter said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’ ‘Nah, she can order for herself.’ And that’s how the fight got started….
************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
And that’s how the fight got started…..

Text-to-speech website link

You Type…She speaks.

Turn up the volume.

She will say anything you type. When  you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.

When  you write something in the left space and then click on ~ ‘Say it,’ she says it!

You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.

Technology! Wow !!

http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/frameset.php?frame1=talk

Test: Which One Is The Blonde ?

Okay………here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.

Which one do you think is the blonde?

Scroll down

Amazing I did not

See it before..

The Blonde is the one

With the wrong leg up.

That’s OK, I did not

Pass the test EITHER!!!!!

Joke about Irish Music

In Belfast, during the height of the recent Troubles, a furtive-looking man goes into a bar, carrying a large bag. The barman is immediately suspicious and asks him what he’s got in the bag. “Oh, nothing” replies the man. “I’m sorry” says the barman, “you’ll have to show me what you’ve got in the bag”. “Fair enough”, says the man, and opens the bag, revealing a large quantity of gelignite explosive. “Ah sure you’re ok then”, says the barman, “I thought for a moment you’d got a bodhran in there”.