Italian Tomato Garden

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.  He wanted to plant his annual  tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Vinnie

Brass Monkey

CANNON BALLS!!!    DID YOU KNOW THIS?

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem — how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass – hence,Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few intellectual friends.

Horse Joke

Horse goes into a bar — bartender says, “why the long face?”

A Tribute to Jefferson Airplane

THE REDNECK FIRE ALARM

The REDNECK FIRE ALARM

Available at most local grocery stores and Wal-Mart.

Now that’s funny…I don’t care who you are.

Duck Call

A German guy approaches a lady of the night

“I vish to buy sex viz you.”

“OK,” says the girl, “I’ll charge £20 anhour.”

“..ist goot, but I must varn you,”

“I am a little kinky.”

“No problem,” she replies cautiously, “I can do little kinky.”

So off they go to the girl’s flat where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

“I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.”

The girl finds this most odd but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

“Now you vill get on your hans und knees.”

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

“You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love toyou.”

She finds it odd, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the sex is fantastic,as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say, “That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?”

“Ah,” says the German . . “zat is ze….”

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Four-sprung Duck technique

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,  “Say Father,
what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be  damned, ” Then returned to
his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long
have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.”

Gotta love those Rednecks!

Gotta love those Rednecks! REDNECK YARD SWING “““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““““` Redneck Cooler ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you’re staying in a Redneck motel? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead’. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Cellar ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Garden ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Limo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two reasons why it’s so hard to solve a Redneck murder: 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There are no dental records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Mailbox ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who invented the toothbrush ? A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teethbrush.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Highway 16 and says to the driver, ‘Got any I.D. ?’. and the driver replies ‘Bout wut?’ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Time Out ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Weenie Roast ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new Redneck law was just recently passed . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Redneck Wheelchair ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that the Redneck governor’s mansion burned down ? ‘Yep. Prit’near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.’

A Polish Immigrant Went to….

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

Definition of Marriage

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.